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Author: Sam (---.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net)
Date: 05-29-06 12:12
Being alone is not a condition beyond our control; it is a choice we make, although most of us do not recognize how much we contribute to this condition. I cannot outline all the reasons I can think of without committing myself to a book-long essay here, but I can simply list a couple ideas I can think of without being able to explain them in much detail: these ideas are not novel, but I think most people do not see how relevant they are to their condition.
People of our generation, especially those raised in Western cultures, have a heightened sense of individuality; as a result we are less likely to give in completely to traditional social agenda, and we are least likely to want to conform and be more in keeping with the sentiments and ideal of those around us. Mostly because of this we are more free and have a greater sense of who we are, but this comes at a cost to us all: we are diversified in tastes, habits, and attitudes but because of this diversity very often we’re out of sync with those around us. This diversity requires flexibility and compromise in the company of others, but thevirtues of compromise and patience are harder for us because of our heightened sense of being an individual and its rights. We are more sophisticated in dealing with ourselves but our heightened sense of who we are- our constant focus on ourselves- allows very little understanding of people around us who in modern times vary greatly from person to person.
As we are so different, quite often being together means having to abandon certain elements of what we want to be and do. Any union of two people requires letting go of certain aspects of what the two in that union value in their individual lives, and so our heightened sense of individuality complicates our union with others. Add to this internal process the simple fact that modern economics and social norms encourage our independence from each other. As we learn to make our own money, cook our own meals and so on and on, we learn and practice a form of independence that starts out as merely an economic or logistical one, and soon develops into a full-blown social orientation. We learn to be singular cells who like things just as they are; we are threatened by the idea of letting go of any aspect of this pseudo independence.
I think in time we learn to be afraid of the presence of other people, especially if we have had pains in our initial experiences. When we are young and hormones and passions run high- and having a less developed sense of who we are- we find it easier to make all kinds of concession just to have and enjoy the passing adventures of our youth. When these raw experiences are behind us, and especially because often times we emerge from them some with emotional scars, we not only have this overblown sense of who we are, but also we are afraid of letting anyone else or our need for them to control us. We do not recognize how much fear is a part of the decision to be alone: our fears quickly transform into expectations, setting limitations and boundaries, and they rob us of our natural inclination to feel and bond. In time, our fears register in our minds as precaution, smarts, reasonable expectations and such.
If you find this implausible, try to visualize this. Imagine crashing on a deserted island and being alone for a number of years. The day you site another person swimming ashore onto your island will be the happiest moment of your life; you will expect to bond deeply with this person no matter what this person’s attitudes or ideas about life, wouldn’t you? At the very least, you would know this person would be very important to your happiness. What’s more, you will give no thought to how you will meet this person or what to say: the path is clear and simple. Why should that seem plausible & simple to you? Because in that scenario, you see yourself differently: you have removed from your insights and aspirations your past fears and the petty ideas that formed the bases of your identity and the world as you knew it. In that scenario your have removed the modern world from your insides and have become a natural being who has clear and simple ideas. In a world without too many distractions & seductions, a world not defined by constant apprehension about how others will limit your complex web of identity and expectations, you would be far more in touch with your basic human needs.
So, we are alone, because we have made a secret, undetectable and undeclared choice: it is more important to us to be exactly who we are, be right, and entertain all kinds of vague possibilities, than to enjoy the company of another and pay the price of letting go of some of ourselves.
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