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Author: Sam (---.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net)
Date: 03-26-06 13:05
Fausto,
In pointing out to you that I am in a better position than you I did not mean to pass myself off as either better than you or to suggest, as you did with so little encouragement from me, that money can buy love. Your post, like a few others I have seen in other threads, shows an unfortunate predisposition to think that Russian women are interested in money. I think such predisposition is detrimental to your hopes to find someone there. I was simply trying to extricate you from that limiting tendency: if there are Russian girls, like the one I knew, who pass up a man who can offer them a good life, it is proof that many of then want the real thing: they want to fall in love.
You know as I read some of the posts here from men who have never been to Russia and Ukraine, I feel this terrible urge to write a few very long posts or add a link to a web site of my own where I can share some of the things I have learned about the Slavic culture, after eight trips there, visiting more than 15 cities, more than a year of living there, three long relationships, a few dozen or so friends and acquaintances, and now having started a very promising fourth relationship with a wonderful girl whom I will see next week in Thailand. Even after all this each new trip teaches me to be more humble in what I can assume about this culture & its women. I will share a few points here without too much detail; I hope it will offer a perspective that will help you.
First of all, money is important to Russian and more so to Ukrainian women, not in the way it is to our women, but in a more understandable way. They were a socialist country in which after marriage, a place to live, work, and basics of were guaranteed by the government. That system has collapsed. Its collapse has brought a painful realization for many Slavic men who cannot – and some will not- find jobs that pay enough to support a family. Slavic women focus on money mostly because they want security. Many of them are products of broken homes in which financial insecurity was a reality of daily life. This does not make them the counterpart of Western women who want luxury and a life of leisure. To most of these Slavic women, marriage is the ultimate goal in their lives and they simply want to make sure it will not be affected by the same financial insecurity they have seen in their society every day.
Secondly, in the Slavic culture, much like in most Asian cultures, men make a display of financial generosity as a way to show they are capable of and intending to support them, a support that in their culture is a sign of serious intentions, care and affection. So, money matters to them because it is a measure of a man’s serious intentions: this makes sense in a society that is poor; if you have traveled around the world, then you must have seen this before. Slavic women want men to SHOW, not just say, that they care about them. Generosity towards them is one sign, not the only one, but it is a sign. You know, to them it is a simple understanding about the reality of relations between the sexes; women must be beautiful and feminine, & men must be strong, providers and caring. But make no mistake, despite their need for financial security, they are very sentimental and warm. In the city of Petersburg, there is a flower ship every kilometer or so, because giving flowers and other displays of care are very much part of the courtship. The most tender displays of affection I have seen between couples were not in the streets of Paris or Milan; they were in Russian cities. I have been in two relationship in which every good bye scene at the airport and each ride to the airport brought on tears in the faces of a beautiful girl who if born American would be seeking the life of a Paris Hilton. Yes, there are scammers, there are those who simply want a ticket to a better life; but there are many more who have more to offer than almost all American women I have dated. That is why freedom of speech is not a measure of what is right and wrong to say in addressing people of a country you have not visited.
I have little doubt you are a good natured person who has good intentions. The failure of most people in securing good relations is not from lack of good intentions or from basic flaws in their character; it is in their lack of ability to communicate or lack of desire to learn how to communicate. We all want more or less the same things in romantic relations, but when we address others, certainly people of other cultures which we do not intimately know, we should be primarily guided by good manners, positive outlook, openness of the heart and mind, and kindness, all blended into a respectful approach with some humility, not just by freedom of speech!! Seeing risks is no excuse for lack of class; knowing dark realities of life is not a reason to abandon notions of charm, manners, or gallantry. Anyone can show their good side when it is safe; what gives us character is doing all the right, nice things when it is difficult or risky or seemingly not required.
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